|
[Thursday
October 4th @ 1:31pm] |
and they echo through my head everyday
and i don't think they'll ever go away
just like thinking of you're childhood home
but we can't go back
we're on our own.
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|
| invisible children |
[Sunday
December 12th @ 11:19pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
awake |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
U2 |
] |
i know ya'll dont understand when i try to explain it.. so here: http://www.invisiblechildren.com
I dont know whats come over me. all of a sudden it just seems like i'm finally realizing that the whole world doesn't consist of my petty problems. These children in Ugonda are alone... starving, cold, homeless.... their families have been killed, their sheltered lives have been ripped from their tiny grasps, and yet they still manage to survive.. one day at a time. but how long can this last? how long must they scrounge through other peoples garbage for the food and nourishment that their frail bodies need but dont have? how long must they sleep in wet and disgusting abandoned buildings, hoping to god they wont be woken up with a gun pointed at their heads? how long will they have to hide from the rebel army? how long will it be before they are allowed to live? invisible children and its documentary has inspired me like....woah... just from watching 3 young (and very cute) guys make a movie about their experience, i came out feeling like i could do something. (and might i add that emily sernaker is my hero.. she truly is a role model and i look up to her for the strength that i know i have in me to make a difference) just think.
i wake up in the morning thinking "god not another day of school" and i go to bed thinking "what a shitty day. why hasnt 'he called? i cant believe he said she said that he said that she said that."... at the same time.. a girl my age in ugonda wakes up thinking "where am i going to go today? how am i going to feed my baby (which was concieved through rape)." at night she might go to sleep thinking: "i hope we can make it through the night."
and i cant help but feel so selfish, even though i know that we live in different worlds. but why must we live in different worlds? when i came home from the meeting tonight, first my mom yelled at me for missing curfew, then she asked, "do you really think you can change the way the world works?" yes. i think that with the amazing people working in this organization and with the dedication and hard work that everyone puts in... we might not be able to make global reform in a year.. but anything is possible. after i gave her my answer my mum gave me a kiss on the forehead and looked at me in a way she never has before.. and it made my day.. because when i think that i cant do shit but realize i can... as long as a child becomes 'visible'.. i'm satisified.
so if you've read this is and you're interested, call me, or if you dont have my digits, IM me at xxsmilexlinesxx for more information.
keep it gangsta,
yulz
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| real friends last a lifetime..... |
[Thursday
December 9th @ 7:32pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 drained |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
incubus- the warmth |
] |
screw this. she was right when she said i didnt have a reason to be her friend anymore.
1. you spent a whole night in a car with him and you didnt. fucking. tell me. i forgave you.
2.you stole my car. then crashed it. i forgave you.
3. you called me weak. i didnt say shit.
4. you called me an idiot and said i didnt know what it was like to feel rejected. TRULY rejected.... that crossed the line.
fuck you.
and fuck everyone else who i've let step all over me this past year, two years, three years, my whole life... i'm done with emotions. im done with other people's feelings. my whole life i've tried to be nice and open-minded towards the way other people choose to live their lives.. but this shit is too much for me. i dont want to come off as a bitch, or someone who just doesnt recognize my own faults... but i'm human just like everyone else. i cant forgive and just forget.
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| it makes me sick... |
[Wednesday
December 8th @ 8:11pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sleepy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
comfortable - john mayer |
] |
it made me physically sick to see him again. i've taught myself to be so detached from his .... existence..... that i almost feel ashamed to feel nothing for him. it's as if he's not even human. I have so little respect for him that i feel as though he isnt even worth the writing. there comes a time when you look back and realize how naive you can be.. and someone you adored has all of a sudden become the pinacle of disgusting-ness. i dont know whether i'm living this life the right way.. or the wrong way.. but in reality.. who knows? the mistakes i've made seem so huge in my little world, but there are still those murderers out there who count the days until their death so they wont have to live in remorse and disgust of themselves anymore. i was looking around campus today and in one little section i probably saw about 70 kids. and then i thought... each kid has a mother and a father... whether or not they're in their lives. they have aunts, uncles, grandparents. each of those 70 kids has a different life. a different story. a thousand mistakes.. ten thousand regrets. some of them have seen horror, some hate. some sit in the corner by themselves detesting every single person that walks by them.. stares at them... thinks to themselves how happy they are not to be them...alone.. some laugh at stupid jokes and others 'accidentally' spill milk all over the girl that stole so and so's boyfriend... is this how the world works? If we're all the same then why dont we have an answer by now? if we all live a life so structured and bound by society then what happens when i decide i dont want to be sane anymore. would people look at me as 'not normal' because i'm not like them? are all of those 70 kids and their families normal? do the people sitting in the corner all on their own think theyre normal? what about you? am i? goddamnit too many questions and not a single fucking answer. i love it.
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[Saturday
November 27th @ 11:42pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
anything by muse |
] |
andy called me. he started a whole shpiel about how i led him on and i was never into him... which isnt entirely true... i cant help it if he wasnt the only gender of the opposite sex i was involved with at the time. and its impossible for me to be interested in a boy who talks about me on the phone... with my mother. what-err, people take shit way to seriousley nowadays.
mariams going back to school tomorrow morning.. bahh.. i didnt really get a chance to hang out with her.. we were both pretty busy..
so i was thinking about it (fuckin shoot me) and i came to the conclusion that... fuck trust...
i lost my shoe. not shoe's.. but shoe... as in one of two.
i'm craving mexican food... and a rockstar...
where the hell is my car when i need it.
keep it gangsta..
yuLz
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| its turkey day biotches |
[Thursday
November 25th @ 7:09pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 chipper |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
zombie jamboree |
] |
kt and i had a molly ringwald movie marathon night yesterday. the night started off boring as hell because my mother flipped a biatch and wouldnt let us leave the house.... not to mention we both had killer migraines at the same time... but after the rockstar craze i think we were alright.
so today is thanksgiving and i bet you're all wondering why i'm sitting in my room updating my livejournal when my entire family is in the living room drinking tea and eating bakhlava. my cousin just interviewed me for this video scrapbook he's making. it's funny.
i'm gonna go stuff my face now.
hope everyone's thanksgiving was superb.
love,
me
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[Wednesday
November 24th @ 8:09pm] |
*1) Spell out your name with bands
Y- Yes
U- urban recruit
L- ludacris (cuz i can bitches)
I- incubus
Y - yellowcard (shitty ass mutha band)
*2) Have you ever had a song written about you? freakishly, yes
*3) What song makes you cry? tears in heaven, eric clapton
*4) What song makes you happy? pimp like me, D12 (haha YESSSS)
*5) What do you like to listen to before bed?: well i fall asleep to led zeppelin.... but i like to hear the hum of the washing machine... its soothing..
**A p p e a r a n c e**
HEIGHT: 5'1"
HAIR COLOR: brunette
SKIN COLOR: tan
Eye Color: brown
PIERCINGS: ears....and....soon to be lip.
TATTOOS: oh yah...3, on each boob
**R i g h t N o w**
WHAT COLOR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING? gray
WHAT SONG ARE YOU LISTENING TO? title and registration, death cab for cutie
WHAT TASTE IS IN YOUR MOUTH?: tortilla chips
WHAT'S THE WEATHER LIKE?: brrrrr.. its cold in hurrre
HOW ARE YOU? i'm swell.
**D o Y o u**
GET MOTION SICKNESS?: sometimes
HAVE A BAD HABIT?: steal hotel soap
LIKE TO DRIVE?: yeahhhhh
**H a v e Y o u**
BROKEN THE LAW: ima killa. grrr.
RAN AWAY FROM HOME: unsuccesfully.
SNUCK OUT OF THE HOUSE: ehh... si..
EVER GONE SKINNY DIPPING: yes
MADE A PRANK PHONE CALL: derst
EVER TIPPED OVER A PORTA POTTY: at the stadium.
USED YOUR PARENTS' CREDIT CARD BEFORE: yes
FELL ASLEEP IN THE SHOWER/BATH: yupp.. and i hit my head and the only one that heard was bryce...gotta love him at times.
BEEN IN A SCHOOL PLAY: nah.
LET A FRIEND CRY ON YOUR SHOULDER: one on each.
**L o v e**
DO YOU HAVE A GIRL/BOYFRIEND: sorta kinda in between
CHILDREN: 27.23
CURRENT CRUSH: Nick... uhh... last name?
HAD A HARD TIME GETTING OVER SOMEONE: oo that was a BITCH to get over. luckily a door in his face made my pain go away :)
**R a n d o m**
DO YOU HAVE A JOB: yeah. a day AND a night one
IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?: robins egg blue
WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?: the oyster crckers from work that im eating right now
WHO MAKES YOU THE HAPPIEST? the zombee jamboree
WHAT'S THE NEXT CD YOU'RE GONNA GET?: Muse. oh yes.
WHO DO YOU CONSIDER GOOD FRIENDS?: kt, katie, dennyse, bryce
**W h e n / W h a t W a s T h e L a s t**
TIME YOU CRIED?: it takes a lot to make me cry.
YOU GOT E-MAIL: today. because i'm just so loved like that.
THING YOU PURCHASED: a candy bar
TV PROGRAM YOU WATCHED: "my child is an aspiring actor" Dr. Phil shit.
(1) Your gender: female
(2) Straight/gay/bi?: straight
(3) Single?: sorta kinda not really
(4) Want to be?: sometimes
(5) Your birth day: April 16, 1988
(6) Age you act: just a child.
(7) Age you wish you were: just a child
(8) Your height: 5'1
(9) The color of your eyes: brown
(10) Happy with it?: its there.
(11) The color of your hair: brown
(12) Happy with it?: nooo
(13) Left/right/ambidextrous?: right
(14) Your living arrangement?: my rents.
(27) Your family: mom, dad, grandmother, sometimes sister
(29) What's your job: i used to work at pizza hut. yeah bitches.
(30) Piercings?: ears (possibly lip sometime in the near weak)
(31) Tattoos?: <3 on my hip
(32) Obsessions?: rockstar energy drink, carne asada fries,
(35) Do you speak another language?
(36) Have a favorite quote?: "take a chance you stupid hoe"
(37) Do you have a webpage?: myspace yo
DEEP THOUGHTS about life and you in it
(38) Do you live in the moment?:
(39) Do you consider yourself tolerant of others?: you do your thing and i'll do mine.
(40) Do you have any secrets?: yessss
(41) Do you hate yourself?: no, i just wouldnt want to know me if i were someone else
(42) Do you like your handwriting?: no, i cant even read it.
(43) Do you have any bad habits?: changing the radio stations...
(44) What is the compliment you get most from people?: i can listen
(45) If a movie was made about your life, what would it be called?: why the hell would someone want to make a movie about me
(46) What's your biggest fear?: losing people
(47) Can you sing: no, but i sing anyway
(48) Do you ever pretend to be someone else just to look cool?: thats not cool.
(49) Are you a loner?: no
(51) If you were another person, would you be friends with you?: hell no
(52) Are you a daredevil?: take risks or live a boring life.
(53) Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself?: i'm pretty naive and ignorant.. hardheaded and stubborn as hell. i hate how i'm so indecisive and dependent.. and i have a bad judge of character.
(54) Are you passive or aggressive?: passive until its time to be aggressive.
(55) Have you got a ?: uh...
(56) What is your greatest strength and weakness? god this is too hard.
(57) If you could change one thing about yourself?: my insecurities
(58) There are three wells, love, beauty and creativity, which one do you choose?: love
(59) How do you vent?: singing along to my music, screaming, working out
(60) Do you think you are emotionally strong?: over the past couple of years i've think i've taught myself how to be... but sometimes its hard to supress certain feelings and not break down.
(61) Is there anything you regret doing/not doing in life?: i think you learn from every experience in your life, whether it be horrible or wonderful. so nah, regrets are a waste of a thought.
(62) Do you think life has been good so far?: its had its ups and downs but overall yes
(63) What is the most important lesson you've learned from life?: be careful who you trust, and never take those who care for granted.
(64) What do you like the most about your body?: my eyelids
(65) And least?: everything else
(66) Do you think you are good looking?: no
(67) Are you confident?: depends
(68) What is the fictional character you're most like?: good question..
69) Do people know how you feel?: most of the time
(70) Are you perceived wrongly?: no i think the people that know me have a pretty good idea of who i really am.
DO YOU...
(71) Smoke?: no
(72) Do drugs?: no
(73) Read the newspaper?: not really
(74) Pray?: not anymore
(75) Go to church? once in a blue moon....
(76) Talk to strangers who IM you?: not if theyre pricks
(77) Sleep with stuffed animals?: used to
(78) Take walks in the rain?: yes. rain makes me happy
(79) Talk to people even though you hate them?: yes, but i let them know my feelings towards them.
(80) Drive?: yes
(81) Like to drive fast?: love to drive fast.
HAVE YOU EVER...
(82) Liked your voice?: no.
(83) Hurt yourself?: yes
(84) Been out of the country?: yes.. and i want to go back...
(85) Eaten something that made other people sick?: no
(86) Burped?: *burped*
(87) Been unfaithful?: possibly
(88) Been in love?: no, i've only been in lust
(89) Done drugs?: yes
(90) Gone skinny dipping?: yes
(92) Had a surgery?: yes
(93) Ran away from home?: i didnt get very far.
(94) Played strip poker: not yet
(95) Gotten beaten up?: not exactly
(97) Been picked on?: yeah
(98) Been on stage?: yes
(99) Been so drunk that you know you're supposed to go out on a date with someone, but you can't remember with who or when and that you faint when you look at yourself in the mirror in the morning, not to mention your breath?: huh?
(100) Slept outdoors?: i love it.
(101) Thought about suicide?: i dont think theres one person in this world who hasnt thought about it.
(102) Pulled an all-nighter?: all the time
(103) If yes, what is your record?: 4 days
(105) Talked on the phone all night?: yes
(106) Slept together with the opposite sex without actually having sex?: all the time.
(107) Slept all day?: yep
(108) Killed someone?: ima killa.
(109) Made out with a stranger?: yes
(110) Had sex with a stranger?: not yet
(111) Thought you're going crazy?: i know i'm crazy.
(112) Kissed the same sex?: yes
(113) Done anything sexual with the same sex?: not yet
(114) Been betrayed?: backstabbing bitches....
(115) Had a dream that came true?: yeah. its called deja vu
(116) Broken the law?: *sigh*... and got arrested for it... twice.
(117) Met a famous person?: and they held my hand.
(118) Have you ever killed an animal by accident?: i ran over a baby bunny... god that scarred me for life.
(146) Stolen anything?: nope
(147) Been on radio/TV.?: no
(148) Been in a mosh-pit?: oh yes.
(149) Had a nervous breakdown?: yes
(150) Considered religious vocation?: i dont think so
(151) Been criticized about your sexual performance?: yes, but i asked for it.
(152) Bungee jumped?: not yet
(153) Had a dream that kept coming back?: yeah, those are effin scary.
CLOTHES and other fashion
(154) Shoe brand?: converse, converse... uh... converse
(155) Brand of clothing?: who still wears clothes based on brands
(156) Cologne/perfume?: the smell of your cologne on me after fucking.
(157) What are you normally wearing to school/work?: whatevers clean
(159) Wear hats?: sure.
(161) Wear make-up?: chapstick and eyeliner
(162) Favorite place to shop?: buffalo
(163) Favorite article of clothing?: my hoodies
(164) Are you trendy?: in my own fucked up way
(165) Would you rather wear a uniform to school?: been there, done that, never doing it again.
BELIEFS
(166) Believe in life on other planets?: yeah i wish i was there.
(167) Miracles?: no, everything happens for a reason.
(168) Astrology?: yes
(169) Magic?: i had a crush on a magician once
(170) God?: i dont know at this moment
(171) Satan?: yes
(172) Santa?: no..but those were the days..
(173) Ghosts?: i believe in lost souls
(174) Luck?: everything happens for a reason... fuck...
(175) Love at first sight?: definitley not.
(176) Yin and Yang?: yes
(177) Witches?: i see them everyday.
(178) Easter bunny?: nope
(179) Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?: anythings possible..if you're up for it
(180) Believe there's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?: i already looked.
(181) Do you wish on stars?: i have before, stupid stories are made to dissapoint little kids who wish upon stars.
LOVE, and all that
(182) Did you get frightened or uncomfortable seeing that as a section title?: nah.
(183) Do you remember your first love?: yeah, that was a damn good parakeet.
(184) Still love him/her?: no it died so i moved on.
(185) Do you consider love a mistake?: no, its not like you can control it
(186) What do you find romantic?: amusement parks.
(187) Turn-on?: can you read?
(188) Turn-off?: oh many, many things.
(189) Do you base your judgment on looks alone: no, but its one of the primary things i base it on....
(200) If someone you had no interest in dating expressed interest in dating you, how would you feel?: i'd definitley try and be their friend.
(201) Do you prefer knowing someone before dating them or going "blind"?: i dont care
(202) Have you ever wished it was more "socially acceptable" for a girl to ask a guy out?: i make the first move all the time.
(203) Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractive?: oh god yes.... but he was one of the best guys i've ever had the privilege of knowing. <3.
(204) Do you think the opposite sex finds you good looking?: no
(205) What is best about the opposite sex?: they dont give a fuck about shit.
(206) What is the worst thing about the opposite sex?: they dont give a fuck about shit.
(207) What's the last present someone gave you? party bubbles and candles that smelled like cookies.
(208) Are you in love?: no i am not.
(209) Do you consider your significant other hot?: he's a cutie.
(210) What would you do if you were walking down the street and saw some hot guy/girl standing on the sidewalk?: go for it.
WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON...
(211) That haunted you?: the little boy from the grudge.
(212) You wanted to kill?: you.
(213) That you laughed at?: kt
(214) That laughed at you?: kt
(215) That turned you on?: nick
(216) You went shopping with?: dennyse and jiana
(217) That broke your heart?: you.
(218) To disappoint you?: armen
(219) To ask you out?: nick
(220) To make you cry?: my mom
(221) To brighten up your day?: kt
(222) That you thought about?: nick
(223) You saw a movie with?: michael
(224) You talked to on the phone?: amanda
(225) You talked to through IM?: matt
(226) You saw?: kt
(227) You lost?: hm..
(229) You thought was completely insane?: kathy haha
(230) You wanted to be?: no one
(231) You told off?: james
(232) You trusted?: my mum and only my mum
(233) You turned down?: michael
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU
(234) Smiled?: i'm smiling now silly
(235) Laughed?: i threw a piece of meat at kt .
(236) Cried?: you die if you make me cry.
(237) Bought something?: candy. today. derrrr
(238) Danced?: just now yo.
(239) Were sarcastic?: all the damn time.
(240) hugged someone?: today
(241) Talked to an ex?: today. he's my bitch.
(242) Watched your fave movie?: its been a while.
(243) Had a nightmare?: last night. nightmares are my life.
(245) Talked on the phone?: a few minutos ago
(246) Listened to the radio?: today in the car
(247) Watched TV?: before yesterday
(248) Went out?: an hour ago... oh yes.
(249) Helped someone?: i helped a girl find her blue jeans in the lockeroom yesterday
(250) Were mean?: i just threw a piece of meat at kt's head.
(251) Sang?: in your bedroom while i sang you to sleep....
(252) Saw a movie in a theater?: coupla weeks ago.....maybe...
(253) Said "I love you"?: last time i got off the phone with you
(254) Missed someone?: i miss the power rangers
(255) Fought with a family member?: uh 10 minutes ago
(256) Fought with a friend?: last week.
(257) Had a serious conversation: last night. one of those all nighters.
(258) Got drunk?: a month
(259) Had sex?: i'm still sore and he's wanting more....
------BOLD IT-----
1. You've ever ended a sentence with the word "SIKE."
2. You watched the Pound Puppies.
3. You can sing the rap to the "Fresh Prince of BelAir"
4. You wore biker shorts under your skirts and felt stylish.
5. You yearned to be a member of the Babysitters club and tried to start a club of your own.
6. You owned those lil Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.
7. You know that "WHOA!" comes from Joey on Blossom.
8. Two words: M.C. Hammer.
9. If you ever watched "Fraggle Rock." - with the original puppets, not the cartoon.
10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars.
11. You can sing the entire theme song to "Duck Tales."
12. You remember when it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
14. You saw the original "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" on the big screen.
15. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
16. You made your Mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.
17. You played the game "MASH" (Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House)
18. You wore Jordache Jean jacket and you were proud of it.
19. L.A. Gear...
20. You wanted to change your name to "JEM" in Kindergarten.
21. You remember reading Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing and all the Ramona books.
22. You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF".
23. You wanted to be a Goonie.
24. You ever wore fluorescent clothing.
25. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off... And when he was actually cool.
26. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.
27. You took Lunch Pails to school.
28. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of snap bracelets.
29. You still get the urge to say "NOT" after every sentence.
30. You remember Hypercolor T-shirts. (my mom had a sweatshirt,it rocked ass!)
31. Barbie and the Rockers was your favorite band.
32. You thought Sheera and He-Man should hook up. (Even though they were twins)
33. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged friendship bracelets.
34. You ever owned a pair of jelly shoes.
35. After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying "I know what you are, but what am I?"
36. You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up!"
37. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.
38. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.
39. You have ever played with a Skip-It.
40. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonald's.
41. You've gone through this list occasionally saying "Totally awesome."
42. You remember Popples.
43. "Don't worry, be happy."
44. You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks.
45. You wore socks scrunched down.
46. "Miss MARY MACK MACK, all dressed in BLACK BLACK BLACK" Or, "Miss Susie had a steamboat, the steamboat had a bell (ding ding) Ms. Susie went to heaven, the steamboat went to... (HELLO OPERATER).
47. You remember boom boxes vs. CD players.
48. You remember watching both "Gremlins" movies.
49. You know what it meant to say "Care Bear Stare!"
50. You remember watching Rainbow Bright and My Little Pony Tales.
51. You thought Doogie Howser was hot.
52. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.
53. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool.
54. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By the Bell," the ORIGINAL class.
55. You know all the words to Bon Jovi - YOU GIVE LOVE A BAD NAME.
|
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| you are my sunshine damnit! |
[Monday
November 22nd @ 8:11pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
amused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
REM |
] |
the mistakes i've made in my short life are few and plenty.....
- telling my mom i hated her
- telling lena i didnt believe in god
- stealing a girls lisa frank stamp in 1st grade
- leaving the flower shop with him
- falling in love with alcohol
- ditching teresa
- standing up adam at homecoming sophomore year
- going out with dante
- being infatuated with david j. during middle school
- leaving my old home.
- moving into my current 'house'
- losing touch with makaela
- not spending enough time with my grandma
.... mmmmh.. thats all i can think of at this moment.... trust me, there are more... my brain's just chillin...
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[Saturday
November 13th @ 8:43am] |
so today i'm hanging out with nick for the first time since... yeah.. (wink wink). i guess he has this whole day planned out for us, which i must say is kinda cute, but a little too organized. i like it when people just go with the flow, do what they're in the mood for that second... its unpredictable and exciting. but what else could you expect from a cute military school boy?
yesterday i went to lizette's and we hung around the house, dropped off desi at her loverboys, went to get jamba juice, decided WE DONT GIVE A FUCKKKKK!!!!, went back to her loverboys house, interrupted desi with a very informative phone call stating... "WE DONT GIVE A FUCKKKK" picked them up, got some mexican food... which i feel kinda bad for because i stole one of his rolled taco's. i got home and talked to nick for four very long fucking hours. after that i listened to lullabye led and went to sleep.
so i have a top 100 things to do before i die list... and i thought about it and came to the 'oh so surprisingly' conclusion that i dont know when the fuck i'm going to die. it might be tomorrow, it might be next week, it might be in a century... so i'm starting to attempt some of this shit.. and as i'm reading the list i'm thinking to myself. "you fucking idiot... did you really plan on skydiving with a llama to the peak of mt. everest when you're 80 and confined to a wheelchair"? so i'm having a little bit of trouble and i'm starting to believe that i'll never get to finish ... ( if you can believe it)<dripping with sarcasm.
I DONT GIVE A FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!
UCP
REPREZENT
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| somewhere only we know |
[Friday
November 12th @ 8:34am] |
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i thought about it. all night i ran the past two years over and over in my head. at times i would laugh at certain memories and at other moments i would feel like crying a thousand tears wouldnt make the pain stop. never make someone your life, because when all is done and said, you'll never be theirs. i thought about how naieve i am, and how attached i really was. i thought about what he was thinking, why he does what he does. i thought about how life changes so fast you never have a chance to look back at what you were, and what you have become, and just think....
life gives no mercy. it doesnt feel pity or sorrow for your woes. it never leaves you alone. until you make it.
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| I dont know what to believe anymore |
[Thursday
November 11th @ 6:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 nauseated |
] |
this week. one big fucking slap in the face. dont cause my piece of shit heart anymore pain. it's not worth much, but it's still beating.
so dont let the world bring you down
not everyone here is that fucked up and cold
goodbye.
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[Sunday
November 7th @ 6:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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thoughtful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
lullabye led |
] |
so this weekend. kinda weird.
Thursday:
i was informed that dennyse's parents were going to be at a convention out of town for the whole weekend, and theyre letting her have the house to herself. (man oh man) friday: me, desi and dennyse were in the parking lot of school and decided to fuck it, so we left school, went out to breakfast in the ghetto, bought a camera at horton plaza, tried on pretty dresses at nordstroms, walked around seaport village, took crazy pictures with a fake horse at a gift shop, got lost in the parking structure, called security, found our car 30 seconds later, lost our parking validation in desi's bra so dennyse went back to nordstroms to look for it, ended up losing dennyse, found her 30 min later, dropped off desi and dennyse at school (after school) went home to get my shit, took desi to work, went to dennyse's, got ready for the game with her and shawna, went to the football game, sat with scott who still thought i was from idaho, got mad at michael for being a panzy, left before the game ended, met up with shawna's military school friends ken, nick, and her lover (i cant pronouce his name let alone spell it). went to los arby's, picked up desi from work, let ken drive my car and do squirrels, went to starbucks, got to know nick better (SCORE he's anti-bush), let ken drive me and dennyse back to her house and then fix my car when we got there, watched the punisher, somehow ended up in the loveseat with nick, (we'll leave it at that *wink wink*), fell asleep with cole after they left.
Saturday:
woke up to desi making mexican breakfast chocho's (mmmmh), took a shower, got out, heard dennyses mom saying on the phone that we could drive up to disneyland, called my mom and told her i was staying at dennyse's again, waited until shawna persuaded her parents to let her go, left for anaheim 2 hours later, ran out of gas halfway there, listened to insanely loud music, finally met our destination, checked into the hotel, spent the next 12 hours at the happiest place on earth, went back to the hotel, passed out. Sunday: woke up to auggi singing, got dressed, checked out of the hotel, got bitched at by shawna because i didnt want to go visit nick in carlsbad on our way home (whatever happened to having fun w/o the attachment shit?), went to dennyse's, bought some bread, went home, got bitched at by my parents for not being the prized daughter, ate the bread that i bought, sang along to lullabye led :)<< i'm such a dork. talked to vlada on the phone, she came over, watched fight club (best movie of ALL TIME), writing in livejournal.
to be continued....
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| blaghoaiwhgfahb rhw |
[Thursday
November 4th @ 8:00pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 confused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
freddy mercury- mr. bad guy |
] |
so i've decided that i'm a really confused little girl.
i'm beginning to really like him.. which is bad. everyone who knows me knows that i'm not a sucker for love. i hate its connotation in that sense and refuse to be put to that level of humility ever. again. i understand that i just have to move on from my .. uh.. shitty experiences, but i dont know.. if experiences make a person who they are, then who will i be if i block out everything and everyone i wish to forget? ugh i dont know... i'm so frustrated and confused. i'm such a goddamn prude. if i werent such a pessimistic bitch maybe i could get somewhere in life. bah.
i lost my racket. thats the third one in a year. fuk i'm an idiot.
i love how people just decide to randomly call me during class asking me to come and help them fix their car because it broke down in the middle of the freeway.... because i know soo effin much about cars and their inter-workings and such. *dripping with sarcasm*
tomorrow BETTER be the day. or else someone's going to be left hungry (haha) and i'm just going to have to get fed elsewhere (bahhhh)
haha just a little reminder for all of you NOT to eat my burrito.
bigU416 (8:30:50 PM): if he eats the other half of my burrioto someone is going to get their clown ass ugly hair SHANKED
holdingkylesegg (8:30:59 PM): lol
holdingkylesegg (8:31:04 PM): no not at all ghetto.
some time later...
bigU416 (8:41:46 PM): oh hell no.
bigU416 (8:41:56 PM): he did NOT just put my burrito bag in front of my door
bigU416 (8:42:01 PM): EMPTY
holdingkylesegg (8:43:49 PM): eek
holdingkylesegg (8:45:47 PM): dont do anything stupid.
bigU416 (8:46:10 PM): someone just got guacomole ALL over their windshield on accident
bigU416 (8:46:26 PM): dont eat my burrito .
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| i'm bored and supposed to be writing an essay but i wrote you a story instead. |
[Monday
November 1st @ 1:10am] |
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so i met this lady off broadway her name was ann i believe. ann's husband had a lobotomy when he was 7 and couldnt remember anything of his past except for a dime he found under his bed when he was 6 although his sister suzy took it away and sold it for a nickel. so ann was telling me about how her husband had a friend of a friend who was out of her damn mind. the lady smelled of peroxide and washed dishes down at the chinese theatre, claiming it was volunteer work. ofcourse, we all know that she did it only to spy on chuang chi, the shortest chinese man who ever lived.. he supervised the porn room. one day he dissapeared and the peroxide lady was devastated. her dish washing capabilities disentegrated and she was left with nothing but a stench and permanently pruny hands. nine months later she bore a child and claimed it was his, although everyone later found out that she had picked out a sperm donor who most resembled him...a garbage man named ed. she named the kid rashadise and taught him how to sign in cambodian. poor kid. he had a rough life until he drastically ended it when he was 21.. claiming that he had an identity crisis and wrote his last finaly words violantly cursing his mother with every bit of fire in him. she overlooked that ed was psychofrenic, bipolar, anorexic, and a manic depressive. he was hospitalized 72 times. poor guy. the peroxide lady didnt live long after that incident. two weeks after she buried her deceased son she tripped on a patch of mushrooms and fell on her head. a man found her and took her in, nursing her back to health. he soon fell in love with her but little did he know he was just hallucinating because when he took her in he didnt forget to grab the patch of mushrooms.. which tasted wonderfully while he viewed the air dancing around him. well the peroxide lady came to. she soon became a crackhead and died when she was following a midget mickey mouse down the street. little did she know that the man who saved her life was chuang chi's nephew and only living relative... rod. so rod was an opium fiend and lived a nice happy life. i invited ann over for tea next week to tell me more of her lobotomized husband.
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| ..on the turning way... |
[Sunday
October 31st @ 10:45pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
on the turning way |
] |
happy holloween.
have i ever been in this much trouble before? and for doing what? i dont know...
Last night my parents and i got into a rather gay (for lack of a better word) argument about god knows what and i ended up telling my mother i hated her and yada da.. so now i have no car keys and no access to the rest of humanity until my skin turns a prunish purple shade and i begin to wilt and rot under the insanity of this hell hole (for lack of a better term).
sometimes i think i'm going crazy ( for lack of a better feeling) just because i live in an enviornment where free speech and the existence of pure goddamn truth is too much to handle. how close minded must someone be to believe that having an opinion is beyond outrageous? why isnt it ok to question every possible aspect of everything known to man? what frightens me most is knowing that i have been raised to believe that love and persistence in what you believe you could succeed in conquers and completley destroys the idea of, 'so what?' 'so what' is what my entire life revolves around. if knowledge is so important than why waste it on just facts. why not broaden your horizon and question everything you've ever known until you feel like nothing is true? there is so much more to life and the world when you're not tied down to other people's beliefs. tired of being christian? make up your own goddamn religion! i was taught by a very wise man that when you follow a straight road for a long time, and you suddenly decide to turn another direction.. your path is destroyed... and that is the best thing that could ever possibly happen to you.
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| if the world is spinning why am i standing still... |
[Wednesday
October 27th @ 12:54am] |
i'm not having a very good day.
* so i found out james enlisted and he left in september to some boot camp training shit. muthasuckaaaa.
* Ricco was scaring me with this whole draft business today.
* me and mariam got in a fight so FLIP HER.
i found out who my secret pal is and it isnt even the second day.
* we talked today and he was being nice.. for once.. but DAMNIT... its time to quit the bitchin and getiton.
FUCK.
i was thinking random thoughts today and i thought about all these people that i've completley lost contact with throughout the years. i wonder what theyve done with their 16, 17, 18 years... i have this tendency randomly pushing people away when i feel like .. idno , damnit i'm zoning out...
whatever i'll think about it tomorrow
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[Sunday
October 24th @ 10:37pm] |
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goddamnit. lets repeat. goddamnit.
i suck at life.
...and the list grows longer still..
where i walked across an empty room
and alone i stand
i feel complete
with this deadly dream
of roses wilting in my hands
and the sick smile
as i breathe the poison
and wither in the darkness
of an empty past
where the roses never die.
they never die.
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[Friday
October 22nd @ 10:55pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 annoyed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
dry your eyes - the streets |
] |
throw my life down the drain why dont you....
so tonight really sucked. vlada ran over some mailboxes. (memories of seamus). she got checked for a DUI and i was laughing at the cop bc he was obviousley a rookie since he looked our age and didnt know how to use a breathalizer. i swear the police must really like me or somethin bc i'm shit tired of being in the back of a cop car.
fuck the po po.
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[Wednesday
October 20th @ 10:22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cold |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
pearl jam |
] |
so i met this great guy. he's nice and funny and cute....and it bugs. i understand now when people used to say, "yuliya theres such a thing as being too nice". it's like.. fuck just piss me off...PLEASE! maybe its not even that . maybe its because i'm still not over the other one.. and i should be.. because for christs sake yuliya its been damn near a year and you havent even talked to the piece of shit in months! i was doing fine until i'd see him every-fuckin-where and i would literally turn around and haul my ass the other direction or take my car and pull some illegal shit for him to get out of my view. i dont understand how this world works sometimes. i dont understand how someone could fall so hard and stay down for so long. then go through a period where theyre like oh haha let me get my ass up and walk around.. then they fuckin realize they walked around in a circle and tripped on the same branch and fell face down ... again.. bahh. nacho why did you have to go back to spain? damn.
its raining. me and bryce went to the park today and went on the swings in the rain. it was nice because we got to talk n stuff which we havent really done in a while. then we played soccer. one on one bitch. which was fucking hilarious bc there was this pit of mud right in the middle of the grass area and it was HUGE and DEEP and we're damn creative. yes. he made my day. pat on the back muthafucka.
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| O is for the only one i need |
[Saturday
October 16th @ 7:25pm] |
so i ended up going out with michael today. it was awkward but the movie was good.
i hate to see how she's finally realizing what it feels like to feel absolutley helpless while watching someone you love go through such a hard time in their lives. i hope he gets better.
if i could pick any place to be right now. any place at all. i would go back to monroe ave and fall asleep in my old bunk bed with my mickey mouse sheets and barbie dolls staring at me from across the room.
gosh.
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